Melanie Kissell

Lactation “JUBILATION”

A Comic Ode to Nursing Mothers

by Ami Burns



For baby and me
I know nursing is best
But I feel like my life
Is controlled by my breasts

I have no idea where my sex life has been
‘Cause when I want to “do it”
My milk comes in

I have nursed my baby everywhere
From clothing stores to the dentist’s chair

When I use my pump,
I feel like a cow
And when baby wants to nurse,
He wants to nurse NOW!

Just when I think it’s time for a rest
Baby’s back at it – wanting the breast

I’ll admit there are times when I just want to scream
And I pray for the time when my baby is weaned
I’m engorged, I’m tired, my nipples are sore
During growth spurts I cry: “I can’t take anymore!”

But then there are the times
When baby’s at my breast
And nursing actually calms me
And gets rid of my stress

These are the times that we nursing moms treasure
When nurturing our babies brings us such pleasure

So when someone sees you nursing
And asks you “why?”

The following words should be in your reply:

For baby and me
I know nursing is best
And life’s not so bad
When controlled by my breasts

Five Benefits of Mothers Milk


A young medical student is given his final examination on human reproduction.

After reading Question 1; “Give five reasons why a mother’s milk is better than a cows milk for a newborn baby?”; he recalled four and quickly wrote them down in his exam book.

1. A mother’s milk is more nutritious; it contains better balance of fats, carbohydrates and proteins for the newborn;

2. A mothers milk contains a mix of vitamins that more closely aligns to a human baby’s needs.

3. A mothers milk contains immunological agents that will help the newborn fight bacteria, viruses and other infections.

4. Breast feeding is more nurturing and better developmentally for the child.   Stumped, frustrated and running out of time, he searched his mind for a fifth reason. After pondering the question for an agonizing five minutes, he quickly scribbled a fifth response:

5. The milk is delivered in a warm and “really cute” cup.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“If a multinational company developed a product that was a nutritionally balanced and delicious food, a wonder drug that both prevented and treated disease, cost almost nothing to produce and could be delivered in quantities controlled by the consumers’ needs, the very announcement of their find would send their shares rocketing to the top of the stock market.  The scientists who developed the product would win prizes and the wealth and influence of everyone involved would increase dramatically.  Women have been producing such a miraculous substance, breast milk, since the beginning of human existence.” ~Gabrielle Palmer

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Signs it’s Time to Stop Breastfeeding!

  • Child can now open your blouse by himself.
  • The kid starts burping up silicone.
  • Child has developed a bad habit of flicking his tongue.
  • The little one keeps slipping dollar bills in your belt.
  • Child demands that you express for his cafe latte.
  • Your birth control pills interfere with his acne medicine.
  • After each session, you both have a smoke.
  • Child invites his friends over for dinner.
  • You feel an uncontrollable urge to hear”Dueling Banjos
  • Beard abrasions on boobs.

Laughter is the Best Medicine!

Melanie Kissell

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  1. This is absolutely hilarious. Thanks for the laugh.
    Joyce Penner
    http://www.joycepenner.com

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